Lone_Wolf

February 20, 2008
11:03pm, one hour before my 20th birthday…

Melihat masa lalu gw (wekekekekek, bahasanya) yang hidup hampir 20 tahun di dunia ini… Ada hal yang sempet gw sesalin, tapi jadi bersyukur , dan ada hal yang dari awal gw sudah senang dan bersyukur…

Sekolah, jatuh cinta, make friends, patah hati, lulus, kuliah, menyepi, party, laugh n cry, joy n sorrow…

Gw dari dulu memang gak pinter kli ya nulis kyak gini…
Just wanna say…

I really thanks to God, Allah SWT… To made my become like this… I
know I’m really not a religious person… But I really thanks for the
way of life that YOU give me

For my family
Thanks for raising me, I really happy… I born in this family… 
My Mom, always angry to me but I know U care about me
My Pa, teach me and care about me with your gentle but strict ways
My bro n sis, caring siblings, makes me angry, laugh, happy n sad…
Luv you all, and I always miss you all….
Really… For the first year I go to college far away from all of you, I think it’s OK, I can be a dependent now… But, after the first year, I really miss you all, especially by youngest sibling, Tania… My 5 years old tomboy little sis, still cute n funny… Really likes Naruto right now…
It really teaches me, that all of you really important to me… If it’s possible, I would like to finish my college as fast as possible, and return home… To Lampung

My Bestfriends, n friends…
Tedy, Bro… I heard U hunting chicks rit now, eh? Careful with your step…
Verra, Be tough… College is hard I know, just share if you like to. A cute girl but can be very sensitive
Lidia, Hello miss…. Thanks for your advice lately, really makes me conscious about my self and what I really am… One mature girl
Sometimes I really like to "review" about my self and I know that I lack in socialize department…
For me, all of you is the second most important people after my family… Don’t wanna lose anyone of you… U are the people I cant trust with my secret and point of view… And all of you help me when I feel lost about myself… Really thanks…

And for my friends, thanks for becoming my friends… Can’t mention all of you one by one…  But, each of you really means something, taught me something, help me, Comfort me, makes me sad, angry, etc… Thanks, for coming into my life….

For Moniq (Apple)
Yes, you’re the Apple I always wrote… Most of my friends already know who you’re so I finally write your name here….
You know… You’re the first girl that came to my life… And U said that I would teach me about love… Yes, I finally understand about it…  I’m sorry I disappoint you, I can’t be your hero…
It’s been 5 years since we broke, but I still have a feelings for you…
I know I just doing something stupid 2 years ago, when I knew that you already have a boyfriend, I ran… Maybe it’s immature… But sure is it’s immature…
Letting you go away is the hardest part to make my life back to normal…
But I learned my lesson that… I should let you go away… Maybe many books that I read is right, it’s men problem to let things go away, and men prefer to chase it, rather than let it go…
I understand that I cannot have everything I want as mine
But, inside me, I know… I still love you, but, it’s my past and I know that you already with someone else… So, hope you happy (^_^)…
Meeting you in my life really teach me something great…. And I really thanks for that…

And finally for Gerry Arjuna Bangsaratoe, myself

Hello myself, just wanna say hi… and tells that…
I really have fun to be me…. I know I have some good things that must be improved and bad things to get over with…
I thanks to my self that every choice whether it’s by consideration, or just luck, really tells us something about life…
Thanks to myself, that I can still hold my principle…
Thinks, about the meaning of my life, why I be born…
Live as my own way… I know, sometimes people hate it, but, I’ve through it
Laugh, joy, cry, and sad… Every bad things make me stronger, and every good thing make me feel happy…
And know.. I learn that… I must life in reality… I can’t live in the world with wondering… " how if…. or how if…."  It’s really OK, if it’s happened then it’s happened… Cry if U want… But after that… Let it go… Let the mistakes be done… But learn from it….

And finally for my self….
Cheers for my life…… Really happy that me is me….. (^_^)
Hope myself be ready and tough of whatever will be coming in this new age of life

End of it….
February 21st 2008,
00:19 am (I’m already 20 right now)

Bener gak sih klo manusia udah punya prinsip, dia harus hidup berdasarkan prinsip itu?

Gua gak perlu jawaban buat itu, karena jawaban gw bakalan "ya"

Tapi, gw pengen tau, apa semua orang yang punya prinsip pernah sesekali tergoda untuk ngelanggar prinsip / batasan yang mereka buat sendiri?

Gw sempet pengen untuk ngelanggar prinsip yang gw bikin, tapi setelah gw ngobrol ama temen gua (temen baek n bisa gw percaya), gw akhirnya bisa kembali sadar n gak jadi ngelewatin batasan yang gw bikin sendiri….

Tapi kenapa ya, kok gw punya perasaan sedih karena memegang prinsip gw… Gw gak ngerti, apa gw ini robot? Apa gw ini pengecut karena hidup berdasarkan prinsip yang gw bikin sendiri, kaku…

Pikiran gw sama sekali gak tenang, sakit kepala, pengen teriak, nangis, tidur, pokoknya banyak banget, n hal ini bikin gw lelah… Prinsip yang membatasi klo gw tau ini salah atau benar… Kebenaran / keyakinan / pandangan hidup / prinsip gw anggep sama….

Apa cara gw ngejalanin hidup gw salah ya?
Antara hidup secara radikal, bebas, bahagia atau hidup secara teratur, idealis, pembelajaran???? Mana yang harus gw pilih… Gw selama ini menjalani hidup secara pilihan yang ke2…

Kasih tau gw, yang bisa kasih tau…. Gw gak ngerti apa2 tentang hidup gw… Lelah… Capek… Sedih…

Apa kyak kata temen gw aja? Apa gw kurang bersyukur dan selalu melihat hidup orang disekitar gw? Yang kyaknya lebih bebas?

Gw sadar sih, gw ini tipe orang yang bisa dibilang "hampir" anti-sosial… Kacaw… Tapi  anti sosial yang membatasi pergaulan gw.. Mungkin gak cocok juga kli klo disebut anti sosial… Apa harus gw bilang sistem proteksi diri yang berlebihan terhadap pengaruh dari luar? Terlalu berat mungkin bahasa yang gw pake ya?

Klo gw punya banyak waktu liburan… Gw pengen banget pergi sendiri gw pantai atau gunung… Menyepi… Ntah kenapa urusan hidup gw serasa melelahkan n mo bikin kepala gw meledak…

Bahasa komunikasi gw jelek banget…
Kata orang curhat bisa bikin beban yang dirasa lebih ringan… Tapi gimana klo tiap gw hubungin temen baek gw, cara nyampein gw selalu kabur, malah gak pas dengan yang gw maksud… Hahahaha… Payah ya?

Cara gw buat ngilangin tingkatan stress gw?
Tertawa n menangis… Gak bebas ditempat umum, memang… Klo suatu saat gw ada di dalam kamar gw, sendiri, setel lagu keras2 , mungkin gw lagi tertawa, mungkin gw lagi menangis… Hidup gw belakangan ini terasa berat… Gw butuh pelampiasan… tapi apa? Gw gak tau caranya… Ada yang bisa ngajarin gw?